In which I whine about stuff that's neither original nor noteworthy but it's mine

After 11 years with the same person, I got dumped nearly a year ago now. Although the true end took quite a while longer to come around due to a really awful and obviously unsuccessful attempt to patch things up. If we go by that end date, then I'm only clocking in as a truly single lady for about 7 months. It was most likely the right thing to happen - we just didn't work well together any more, if we ever did. But that doesn't stop me from missing S. That makes sense being that over a third of my life was built with him and he's the only person who's known me for my entire adult experience, at least up until 7 months ago. But I had thought (hoped?) that he wouldn't still be factoring into my life by now, and here I am writing a fricking blog entry about how I still miss him and think about him most days (not all, though, not all).

Things that make me miss him in particular:

--Going to a party/dinner/gathering and noticing that I'm the only uncoupled person there and/or attending any sort of "hey look at us we're so happy together" event such as a wedding, anniversary party, etc. It makes me want to kick people. Fuck (apparently) happy couples.

--Rainy days (like yesterday) make me pretty much want to cry all day long.

--A whole lot of music that either he introduced me to or even vice-versa, or that we both just liked. Also, pretty much any song about relationships gone bad which, in case you've never paid attention, is most music. I'm quite jealous of Frippy, who has somehow gotten around this common symptom.

--Being sick or just generally not feeling well. It's not that there's nobody who will bring me soup, or rub my hair, or give me a hug, or do any variety of things that are done to make sick/sad people feel better, but there's nobody who will always do it without me asking them to first.

Even missing S on such occasions, I have no desire to stick anyone else in his former role just yet or maybe even ever. Not that it has stopped me from trying, but each attempt has resulted in me flipping out when faced with the remotest hint of a possibility of developing any sort of intimate (and I mean psychologically here) relationship. As such, I'm officially instituting a dating ban for at least the rest of 2007. That's right. Fuck it. It's for the greater good. If the ban goes well, I may just declare myself the crazy old spinster rat-lady from here on out. I think I'd be okay with that.

I'm really quite the antisocial person. If I don't have significant chunks of each and every day entirely to myself then I turn cranky fast. I'm in the middle of a serious hermitic phase at the moment. I'd just rather be sitting by myself, or eating by myself, or reading a book or watching a movie by myself, or having a solo dance party, or playing with Toot and Ollie (my rats) all alone than doing any of it with company. I've been forcing a social life on myself recently anyway, in case you're all "Dude, I've totally been hanging out with you lately, Dr. 1%", but it's been requiring a whole lot of effort. Perhaps I should amend my description: I am a social misanthrope. That is, I do like social interactions, at least in moderation, but I'm readily annoyed. If I were to sketch out a representation of my irritability, it would look like:Which is why I usually show up late to parties and then leave early. I'm pretty sure it's why me and el señor B and other good friends of mine get along so well - we're all a bunch of surly mofos. Cantankerous jerks of the upper midwest UNITE!

Addendum: Saw S on the bike path the next evening - in fact, got stuck at a long light with him. Wasn't too bad, first time I haven't cried after such an encounter. YAY ME.

Addendum to addendum: Had another S encounter, leading me to realize that actually, I'm over him now. I mean, I'm still all kinds of fucked up in the relationship arena, but now it's all on me and situations and not on him anymore. That's a good thing, I suppose?